Janet’s story, so far.....

Diary of Accident on the 1st July 2001 by Janet Stephens (nee Webster).

On 1st July I was on the back of a motorcycle (Genesis R1) going through Ninfield, East Sussex, UK, when an elderly woman stopped her car across our side of the road whilst waiting to join the other line of traffic. As we came around a bend in the road there she was, parked in front of us. The rider of the bike tried to go round the Volvo but unsuccessfully as there was traffic coming the other way. I was catapulted up the road at approximately 100mph and this resulted in me being badly injured. My mind does not want to recall the accident itself but I have been told by a doctor that this would be due to the pain that I was in and the body copes by shutting down. I travelled approximately 80feet, so I am told and was screaming in pain about how much my back hurt and that I couldn’t breathe. The ambulance team gave me painkilling injections at the road and cut my trousers off and removed my jacket and crash helmet. Then I was put on a stretcher and packaging put all around me to keep me stable. The first thing I remember was being in the X-ray department laying on a stretcher and looking at what was supposed to be my leg. The tibia and fibula of the lower left leg were shattered into loads of pieces, the tibia more so (I now understand there are nearly 20 breaks!). I was told that they would have to re-align my leg first and as I looked down I could see that my foot was pointing the wrong way. It made me realise how awful things were and I felt frightened and scared. The morphine and painkillers kept the pain away and it was like being on another planet, not in control like it wasn’t my life.

Devas Ward

The porters wheeled me up to Devas Ward were I was lifted onto a bed in a room with 5 elderly women, my leg high on a platform to make the blood run away thus reducing the swelling as my leg was twice the size. All I could think was ‘what am I doing here, why me, how will I look after my children?’ My mother sat looking at me with worry written all over her face, the strain being too much for her. When I had the accident she was at the graveside of my brother who died 2 years ago from cancer at the young age of 39. She had not and never will get over that and the following year her sister committed suicide. How oh how would she cope with what had happened to me, physically she appeared to be ok but mentally she was not, as I was to find out.
At night the lights would go out at 10pm and each night another restless time would begin. I had to take sleeping tablets every night, something I would never have dreamed of doing before. I was the sort of person that would only eat healthy food go to the gym three times a week and go body biking (cycling on a static bike) twice a week. Being fit and looking after me was of great importance. Didn’t smoke and certainly didn’t take any drugs, even painkillers were only taken occasionally. Now I was faced with taking so many that I was constipated, so much in fact that I didn’t go for nearly two weeks. I was having lactulose, senacot and fruit cubes all in an attempt to be able to go to the toilet which, when it did eventually happen, was so painful it made me bleed and this has been going on ever since (7th August first time in 8 days. So painful making me bleeds again leaving lots of blood in the toilet. Grateful to have gone but dreading the next time).
A little old lady would sing constantly driving everyone nuts because it was a constant drone, la la la la la la. She was in a side ward but had to be moved into ours and the noise was awful. At the same time another elderly lady about 79 would sleep all day and at about 3am would wake up and start talking on and on and on about locking the nurses in the tower and ‘was I Mr. Fletcher’s secretary?’ Then there was the snoring from the various different people in the ward, which would come and go. How oh how was anyone supposed to get better when they were surrounded by all that while the pain in my back and leg would wake me up every hour and the noise would keep me awake so I couldn’t get back to sleep. Some nights I don’t even remember sleeping and the nurses would come in and open the blinds at 6.30am. What was the point of that when the pills (drug trolley) didn’t come round till 7.30am and breakfast about 8 – 8.30am?

4th July 2001

My boy’s 7th birthday today, but I cant be there at McDonalds to see his face as he runs round enjoying himself with his friends, laughing and smiling – the centre of attention. I had arranged it for him and we were going to give his friends a lift after the school sports day in our people carrier even that had excited him. The sports day – every parent loves to watch their child run and play and win some of the events, but I wouldn’t be there. He came 1st in one race, 2nd in another and 3rd in another, I felt so proud but cheated and so sad at not having been there – now I have all the emotional pain to contend with as well as the physical and mental.

6th July 2001

Today I have to go down to theatre to have an external fixator. The nurses asked a guy to pop in and show me his, which was on the upper part of his leg. It frightened the living daylights out of me and looked like something from a horror film – all these metal poles going in one side of his leg, right through and out the other side. Pieces of metal rings that looked like mechano and scaffolding. Is that really what they were going to have to do to my beautiful leg? I had always thought that my legs were my best feature, long slender and well shaped. Not any more especially when I have a load of metal work going in, around and through one of them. The surgeon had said to my husband that it might be necessary to do a blood transfusion during the operation, as it was a long and difficult one. I remember being taken down on the bed and going into the anaesthetic room to ‘prepare’ before the operation. I felt so frightened about what was going to happen, would I wake up after? What would I look like? Would they have to amputate my leg? I wanted my Mummy and felt like a little girl again. I am crying now as I type this because it is so upsetting to go over and 5 weeks later seems only like yesterday. When I came round I was still on the morphine and looked down at what was supposed to be ‘my’ leg but it looked like someone had taken me to Frankenstein’s castle and put something else there in its place, it belonged in a horror movie not in my life. The operation had taken 4 hours and a specialist team of doctors, luckily! I had not had to have a blood transfusion. My husband came to see me and all I could say to him was that I had wished I had died in the operation. That made him feel as upset for me as he hated to see me so low and he nearly cried 5 weeks later when we were talking about it.

9th July 2001

Taking me off the morphine today, which scares me – what will the pain, be like without it? Well now I know and I wish I was back on the morphine, it hurts so much and I count the hours till I can take the next lot of painkillers – waiting for the drug trolley to arrive and being happy when it does. I ask if I can have some more but again they tell me I can’t because I have had my quota. ‘Can I have something stronger?’ I ask, but they say ‘no’ I am taking as much as I am allowed.

10th July 2001

My back is getting worse and I can hardly move, the pain being unbearable. I should be sitting up and moving about but instead I am having to lay down constantly, gently pulling my nightdress to one side just to be an inch one way or the other in the hope of relieving some of the pain. That only partly works for a few minutes and I am petrified that something has been missed and I may become paralysed or have an injury they didn’t see. My consultant Mr. Shepperd requests further x-rays and I pray that there is not going to be terrible news as a result.

11th July 2001

It is about 10am and I am being taken for my x-rays. They x-ray my leg but will not do my back as they say there have not been any operations on it and feel that I should not have it done. My mother and I explain the situation and say that Mr Shepperd himself had requested it, but they still disagree. On returning to the ward the nurses cannot believe what has happened and after a short while I am told that Mr Shepperd has been informed of the matter. Mr. Shepperd rang the head of the x-ray department and spoke to the person in charge and I am now rescheduled to have my back x-rayed later. In the afternoon I am taken to x-ray again and am feeling quite exhausted by the day’s events. My leg is throbbing and getting very swollen and painful.

13th July 2001

I was supposed to have gone on my home visit today but my back is too painful and it has been moved to the 15th – let’s hope it’s a bit better. My mum will meet the physiotherapist and show her round the house. They discussed where I would need rails to help me in the front door and up and down the stairs. Also what I would need i.e. commode, perching stool, wheelchair, crutches, high back chair. Would be best to sleep downstairs to begin with, as going up stairs might prove too difficult to begin with.
The doctor is doing his morning round and I wait with trepidation, but wait a minute, what they mean ‘they can’t find the x-rays?’ The doctor says it will not be a problem because they will be held on the computer and they can have some more printed. Yes but that will mean having to wait yet longer and I am so worried. In the afternoon one of the nurses tells me that the x-rays have been found and put in my file. Meanwhile I have noticed that I am still feeling dizzy whenever I lay down or get up and thought it would have passed by now!
Apparently all is ok and my back will take time to get better, it was a terrible blow I received and the enormous black, purple and blue bruises all over my back confirm it. However, it is good news and my back is very slightly beginning to feel better. I will push on with the crutches because they do not hurt as much. The Zimmer frame sends a sharp pain shooting up my back every time I put it down so I would rather not use that.
Each day I try to do my exercises, by pulling the toes of my feet back with a bandage. The aim is to stop my foot from dropping and keep it at a 90-degree angle, but how it hurts each time I pull. The poles that go through my ankle make it so uncomfortable and feel so painful.

14th July 2001

In the morning I can now make it to the bathroom and it is wonderful to be able to wash at the sink instead of a bowl. The nurses are going to tape a bin liner round my leg and sit me in a shower – oh heaven. I must be so grubby even though I have tried to keep clean with washing in a bowl each day but to have a shower will be wonderful. Also I can now take myself to the toilet and don’t have to use a bedpan any more. Thank goodness for that because it is so degrading. I know the nurses understand but it is still such an invasion of privacy. Everyone sees the nurse approach with a bedpan and take it away afterwards!

16th July 2001

Home visit. I was so looking forward to actually getting outside and seeing the real world, but did not think for one moment that it would be as painful as it was. Sitting in the ambulance I could feel every bump and hole as the vibrations jolted through my body, leaning over to my left trying desperately to alleviate some of the pain in my back. The journey home was even worse as it was now nearly 4pm and I only seem to have enough energy these days to manage only the smallest of tasks. How the hell I thought was I going to cope on my own with the boys. The plan was that my bed would be in the front room and their beds would be in the dining room. My mother could sleep upstairs as necessary, but I could not get up to the boys if they woke in the night so they would have to stay downstairs for the time being.

17th July 2001

Today is my Dad’s birthday and I could only send him a card as there’s no way I could shop for a present for him, how guilty I feel, but I know he will understand. I keep feeling dizzy and hope I don’t fall off my crutches – the last thing I want to happen is to be kept in longer.
18th July 2001
My son has his church service at school. Usually I am there to see him and hear him sing with his classmates – makes me feel such a proud mother. Today I feel a useless mother who can’t do anything.
Time to leave the hospital and try to make my way in the big wide world. I feel frightened because I really don’t know how the hell I will manage. The journey home was nearly as bad as the other day because it was longer, having other stops to do on route. When we reached my place I hobbled up to the porch on my crutches and then gently lifted myself up into the porch on my good leg. Bloody hell what happened then? I nearly ended up back in hospital because it had rained slightly and the lino was a little bit wet but lethal and my crutch slipped. Luckily I kept my balance and didn’t fall over – it was a close call though.
 
19th July 2001

Today my husband is bringing the boys over to me and I am so looking forward to seeing them, I have missed them terribly. They arrived at teatime and were happy to see me, but when their dad left they cried. It broke my heart to see them so sad. They always wanted to be with me especially my two year old, but now it’s almost as if he has learnt to live without me and I am not the important person I used to be. No cuddles, no kisses and to be actually rejected and pushed aside made me feel awful. These weeks have not only damaged me physically and mentally but have also damaged my family relations. Why oh why did this have to happen. My children are the most important things in my life and I cannot bear the thought of them not wanting to be with me.

25th July 2001

Mr. Shepperd - The journey here was awful, every bump seems to travel right through my leg and I am convinced that all cars are going to pull out in front of our path. I know it seems silly but after being such a confident able-bodied person I have become such a worrier and a weakling.

26th July 2001

School hols begin. Put my crutch in a toy car in the kitchen and skidded. Frightened the living daylights out of me as I nearly fell over. My bad leg crunched to the floor and pain shot up it, I hope I haven’t done any damage! Poor children I keep moaning at them for leaving their toys around, they understand but forget. I used to just pick things up and put them away myself. How are they supposed to suddenly change into tidy, thoughtful little people overnight? I am asking the impossible.

27th July 2001

Decided to go into Bexhill town today to get a few bits and pieces from the shops. Some fresh air will do me good. Alex got the wheelchair out of the boot and we all set off. Unfortunately
31st July 2001
Mum took Andrew and Martin to Joseph’s party at Charlie Chalks but I feel so sad that I can’t take them. It would be lovely to watch them playing and having so much fun in the childrens play area

8th August 2001

10.45 Physio. My middle pin has been pussing for the past six days and I am sure that there is something wrong. The physio could see nothing wrong and was not sure why I could feel it rattling – almost as if my bone(s) is loose - freaky and frightening. I mentioned that my left knee seemed smaller than my right and she said that this was due to the lack of use and that my knee muscle was shrinking. She has given me some exercises, which hopefully will strengthen the knee. The bottom of my left heel is purple all round and this was explained to me. Apparently there is still a lot of blood inside which is collecting at the lowest point especially when I walk because it is down. I must keep my leg up high (above my heart) and it will disperse over a period of time.

11th August 2001

I couldn’t go to the village fayre at Crowhurst today but my children did, with their father. Again I am not part of their lives and feel us drifting further apart as they become closer to their dad. What use is a mother that can’t do anything for them?

14th August

Andrew’s friend, Jordan is having a disco party at Clambers. Like everything else though, I won’t be able to take him and someone else will see the joy in his eyes and the smile on his face as he rushes round having a great time. It does sound selfish but missing out on your child’s life is so heart breaking and difficult. No one can put a price on the role of a mother and no one can experience the feelings that I feel.

15th August

11am Mr. Shepperd – X-rays. Mentioned to consultant that the middle pin is loose and that when I do my exercises it pulls on the pin and not the tendon. The aim of the exercise is to elongate this tendon but if I cannot feel it pulling then it seems as if it’s not having the desired effect! The registrar started messing about with the pin and it hurt an awful lot but he was unable to make it much better and suggested that I tighten it when I get home with my Allen key! Asked if I could bath or shower, but was told that under no circumstances should I get any water on it. The reason being that if any water travels down the pins it could become trapped inside and the site would be susceptible to infection. Good God, no bath or shower for up to a year, I usually have at least one shower a day. Sometimes I have three showers if I go to the gym and go out again in the evening. I can’t stand the thought of strip washing for so long and feeling grubby and dirty. Some of the pins do not have stoppers on the end so they are dangerous to my children, and others. Mr. Shepperd asked one of the hospital staff to put some more on, but there were no spares. A DIY job was done and three pieces of hard sponge put on the ends! You would have thought there would have been something better than that as they do not seem very secure. As the sensation comes back in my foot and leg I am experiencing more pain but this is a good sign I am told, however it makes it more painful for me to move my foot!

22nd August

At 10.15am I saw Mr. Shepperd’s registrar regarding the missing nut and loose screw on my fixator. The middle pin is pussing and when I do exercises it puts pressure on it, which then clunks and clicks. He wanted to remove the middle pin but I said no, as surely it is there for a reason and the loose piece of bone that is being held in place will move out of place.

29th August

10.30am saw the physiotherapist who gave me some new exercises to do. She is also concerned about the pin site and I hope I can get Mr. Shepperd to look at it soon.

3rd September

At 2.45pm I have an appointment to see Mr. Shepperd. He checked the loose pin site and I explained about the missing nut. Also said how loose the pin has been and it has been weeping a lot, he temporarily fixed it. The foot drop exercises also move this pin and I am sure this is not good. There is a sharp piece of bone that sticks out of the front of my leg and on the occasions that my leg is thin it really hurts as it protrudes trying to push its way through my skin. He said that this was ok and it will be all right. Fine for him to say, but it’s me that has to put up with the pain!

17th September

Have appointment to see physiotherapist at 3pm and she checked that I was doing my exercises right.

27th September

Don’t see or hear from my friends anymore, almost as if they don’t want to know me, but really it’s just that they are getting on with their lives. I wish I could get on with mine and be part of the outside world, meeting all the people I used to – I used to have such a hectic life.

3rd October

The x-rays showed that the main bone is not repairing itself and there is no new bone growth. I cannot believe it after the last x-rays only 7 weeks ago showed a mushroom of new white bone. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I would think that Mr Shepherd was telling a lie. I have to accept that it is not working and after being so positive it is now very negative. He is going to have a meeting with other consultants to discuss the case and will arrange for me to come in for another operation. They will go in through the back of my hip and take some bone. This will be mixed with something else artificial, which will accelerate the process. I do hope so because now I feel so despondent, all my fighting spirit has gone and I wish it were all over. How much longer will this go on?

11th October

Still no news from the hospital and Mr. Shepherd’s secretary said that the meeting is scheduled for next Wednesday!!! I said to her ‘that will be 2 weeks since I have seen him’. The longer this drags on the longer it is not getting better and I am just sitting around feeling totally useless. At least if it was mending I would feel that something was happening.

18th October 2001

No news from Mr. Shepherd’s secretary and on telephoning, discover that she is on holiday till Monday. Another person said she will try and find out what is happening but doesn’t hold out much hope as Mr Shepherd will not be in tomorrow and nor will his secretary. God this is so frustrating and pissing me right off.
 
18th October 2001

Saw Dr Ashby who has put me on anti-depressants (Seroxat, 1 daily) and pessary for thrush as I am so run down at the moment. Seems like I will never get out of this black hole and feel so desperate, keep breaking down and crying all over the place. Even started blubbing in the taxi on the school run.

19th October 2001

Took first pill last night and feel spaced out today. Andrew asked me why my voice sounded like I was crying and all I could say was that I felt very sad because of my leg and that I had some new pills which I hoped would make me feel better.

22nd October 2001

Tried to find out when operation to do bone graft will be and nobody knows anything, as usual. Mr. Shepperd’s secretary is away till Nov 4th but he was supposed to have had meeting last Weds, why can’t anyone tell me when it will be. All the time I am waiting it is time wasted nearly 3 weeks now knowing that my leg is getting nowhere and I am not progressing. The only way they will actually move themselves is if I am admitted as an emergency so I guess I will just have to throw myself down the stairs and I will become an emergency – I am serious about that. The way I feel now I am capable of doing anything. Nearly 4 months have passed and I am no further forward. For crying out loud, how long will it take till I can actually walk again – if ever.

23rd October 2001

Day nurse (Claire) came round on her visit and I felt so low started crying. I explained how I have been feeling recently and that I just cannot see an end to it. Waiting, waiting, waiting and not getting anywhere. 4 months, 4 bloody months! Can’t do anything with my children except moan at them and tell them off, what kind of a mother is that? Can’t go anywhere, no freedom. It’s like being in prison. I am such a positive, upbeat person but when I can’t take anymore, I fall to the ground in a heap. Said how throwing myself down the stairs seems the only option – to which she said it was not a good idea. However, as I explained, I have no way of getting things to move on and it is the only course of action I can think of to get things going. She said she would speak to her district nurse (manager) to see if there was anything that could be done to help…..yeah, yeah, as if that will do any good. I am so negative that I can’t see anyway out.
Around lunchtime Dr Kremer arrived at the house and asked to be in private with me. He wanted me to tell him how I was feeling and the moment I started talking I began to cry. It is so pitiful but I have no strength emotionally or physically. He had called round - because the district nurse (Nigel) - had been told by Claire that she was worried I may self harm. After discussing everything we came to the conclusion that I must make another appointment to see Dr Shepperd and get an approximate timescale for the operation. Tell him exactly how I am feeling at the moment and don’t be in awe of him because he is a consultant, let him know how I am really being affected. Dr Kremer will contact the Occupational therapist to see what help they can give me with rebuilding my relationship with the children. He also gave me a prescription because the swab Dr Ashby took confirmed that I have thrush and some medication should clear it up. Dr Kremer also said that he would write a letter to Dr Shepperd but felt that as I shall be seeing him soon he will see for himself how I am and that I should mention this to him at my meeting.

25th October

Terribly constipated and having awful stomach cramps. Not sure if this is due to my medication or my emotional state but I am taking so many different drugs it’s not surprising.

27th October

Desperately needed the toilet so tried my hardest to get up the stairs as quickly as I could but didn’t make it in time? As I pulled down my trousers and knickers, some pooh fell on the floor before I could sit down. How humiliating, I felt so awful and such a pathetic excuse for a human being. I tried my hardest to clean it up and that was an operation on it’s own, but still there was a brown mark on the carpet. Hopefully no one will notice it and I will not have the embarrassment of talking about what happened.

30th October

At long last I have my operation date – 12th November. Never thought I would be looking forward to an operation, but I know it is the only way to get better and I have to move forward.

31st October

Halloween day. I have always done a Halloween party for my children, but this year I am unable to. Their father said he would do it and the children wanted me there, but oh how it made me feel sad that I was not the one doing it for them. All I could do was sit and watch them as they ran around and their father took them out ‘trick or treating’ at friend’s houses in the neighbourhood.
 
3rd November

Awful pain developing in my leg and it feels as though maybe it could be rheumatism, or at least what I imagine rheumatism to be like. It goes right through the bone from my knee to my foot. I’m also getting cold shivers and don’t know why.

4th November

My Dad and step mum came down for the day from Cambridge and went to visit my brother’s tree (where his ashes were buried). I would have like to have gone and put some flowers there. It’s the anniversary of his death and a time when one needs to pay their respects but I just cannot make it and will have to wait for another time. My leg hurts too much and feels too painful.

5th November

Leg is now becoming unbearable and I will have to call doctor. It hurts constantly and must be more than rheumatism. Sea Doc, Dr. Hughes, came out and said my leg is infected. Gave me some Amoxicillin and a prescription to get some more tomorrow. Still have hot and cold shivers and wake up sweating in the night.

6th November

Hope the penicillin starts working soon because my leg aches so much right through from knee to toes.

7th November

Kept waking through the night and in the early hours of the morning with bad pains. Was very sweaty and shivery all night long. 7. Am. Time to get up but not sure if my leg will let me. It is so painful. Something is terribly wrong. Rang for the doctor at 9.15am and got appt for 9.35. Dr. Eaton admitted my straight away to the Conquest Hospital and telephoned them. Meanwhile I went back home rather dazed. I knew my leg felt bad but didn’t expect the doctor to take one look and admit me to hospital. It’s like a bad dream and gradually I am realising how seriously injured I am. I always thought that after a few weeks, maybe a couple of months, I would be better and everything would be just the way it was before the accident. How wrong I am. Mum told me how Martin cried when I went to the doctors – he wanted his mummy! Explained to the children how I have to go back into hospital and tried my hardest to reassure and comfort them. Packed my things and got to hospital about 11.30a.m. And waited to be seen in Accident and Emergency. Then I had to wait for X-rays. Then I waited for a bed. I could see my leg getting redder and redder and feel the pain getting worse and worse. Got a bed at 6.30pm and the loneliness started setting in. I hate being away from my children, watching them cry as I go off to hospital again. I hate them being carted from person to person, back and forth. I hate to think of little Martin crying for his mummy yet again. The doctor put a vent thing in the vein of my arm so that intravenous antibiotics can be administered. Blood samples also taken, first of many for this visit. Terrible night. Nurses kept talking all night and as I was next to their station there was no escaping the noise. It would have been my brother’s 41st birthday today. Mum visited his tree. I wish I could have been with her, to hold her hand and comfort her. To say hello to Chris, oh how I miss him so.

8th November - Thursday

At first light the pain seemed to be marginally better, but as the day went on it started getting worse again. By 8pm it was really bad and I started crying. It’s never ending. Why is the pain coming back? Does this mean it’s not getting better? Will they still do the bone graft operation scheduled for Monday? Will I ever get my life back? How long will this nightmare continue? Cried and cried and cried and cried and cried.

9th November

Leg very stiff, painful and red. It doesn’t seem to be getting better. Asked to speak to the doctor. Dr Andrew Moss – Mr. Shepperd’s registrar came to talk to me and explained that the swabs they took, when I arrived, have been lost. Gave his sincere apologies and would have swabs redone to ascertain what micro organisms are causing infection before bone graft can go ahead! I feel so lost and alone and desperately unhappy.

10th November

Saw Martin and Andrew today, I miss them so much. Martin wouldn’t leave and kept saying ‘stay here with Mummy. No go. Please, please. Play cars with Mummy please.’ In the end Graham had to take him out kicking and screaming. Apparently he screamed all the way to the car. I feel so useless. My little boys shouldn’t have to go through all this but there is no choice. Andrew sits there as if he is lost and says ‘I hope they make your leg better this time’. How I wish it was that simple and could come out of hospital with it better. During the evening a woman was admitted who kept shouting and screaming. She was in a side ward but the whole floor could hear her, unfortunately she was mentally disturbed. In the night there was loads of commotion going on and the nurses were up and down the corridor. After some time there was this terrible smell and I realised that it was excrement. I got up to go the toilet and spoke to one of the nurses. The nurse said that she felt like she needed a bath and the corridor smelt awful. The smell of sick and excrement hanging around and I wondered how long my stay would be this time.

11th November

Mr. Shepperd came round and said he would still go ahead with the operation tomorrow morning.

12th November

Woke early after a disturbed night, worrying about the operation. How will it go? Will I wake up afterwards? What pain awaits me? It’s so frightening. People keep coming up to my bed, asking questions and making sure everything is in order for the operation. Why did this ever have to happen? I should be with my children getting them ready for school. Chasing them round the house and playing games with them. Will there ever be an end to it all? Will my leg ever be right again? 11a.m. and it’s time to go to theatre. It’s so cold in the room where you wait on the trolley, so they put more blankets over me and tuck me in. Wish it was my mum tucking me into bed and I was a little girl again with her looking after me. I’m wheeled into the anaesthetic room and they put the oxygen mask over my mouth. Then they put a needle into the back of my hand for the sleeping anaesthetic. As the liquid goes into the back of my hand it stings and my fear of never waking up completely overwhelms me……. I wake up in the ward, reality hits home but at least I’m still alive. I’m on morphine so I don’t feel any pain and have to push a button now and again, to give me a blast. The alarm on he machine goes off nearly every time because of a fault and the nurse has to get her keys, open the flap, adjust something, close it up and then press a button which releases the medication. My poor body has been through the wars again. My back is sore where they took the graft from so now it is even more uncomfortable to even lie on. How am I supposed to sleep now? I spent the night propped up with pillows. The morphine alarm went off about every 20 mins and other people in the ward were disturbed so much so that one was even shouting ‘turn that thing off’, needless to say I didn’t get much sleep, if any. I felt such an inconvenience.

13th November

They are going to take me off the morphine and get me onto oral painkillers today. Mr. Shepperd’s Houseman, Andrew, came to talk to me while Dad, Kevin and Daniel were with me. He said they had received the results of the swabs and I have M.R.S.A. I DON’T F*!$ING BELIEVE IT. My mind could not focus and I seemed to be in limbo. After the Houseman had gone Kev asked me a question and so did Daniel, but I was unable to communicate properly. I turned to Dad and said, "I’m sorry, I just don’t seem able to think straight". Dad said, "Yes we can see. It is awful news" and as he lent forward I could see pain and concern in his eyes. "You’re still alive, we must remember that". That’s all very well but I am so upset and it doesn’t make me feel any better. About 7pm I was moved into a side ward, because of the MRSA and I felt unclean. They should have given me a bell to ring and a sign to put around my neck. Anyone coming into the room had to wear an apron and surgical gloves. Afterwards they had to throw these in the bin. It’s awful I feel so secluded and unwanted.

14th November

Mr. Shepperd came round with his colleagues and I was told that the last 4 months "were basically a waste of time"! The doctor that said that then realised and said "well not a complete waste of time" but it was too late to undo what he had said. It would now take something like 6 months plus to repair if all goes well. How am I going to cope with another six months plus? What am I going to tell my children? This is like a living nightmare, which never seems to end. Having to use a bed pan again (complete bed rest) and today I ended up pissing in the bed. It’s so embarrassing and so degrading.
Another 5 years and more to go…… full story www.fixators.co.uk

TAYLOR SPATIAL NO.1 (FRAME NO.2)

Feb 13th Pre-assessment observations. Tibia + Fibula L x-ray
Feb 25th Admission to Kings
Feb 26th Operation – Taylor Spatial (Fixator No.2)
March 5th Loose nut and frame checked by Mr Lahoti
March 8th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
March 22nd Appointment with Mr Lahoti
March 11th Physiotherapy at Conquest Hosp
March 17th Dr Mehta gave prescription re cystitis
April 2nd Appointment with Mr Lahoti
April 27th Commence frame adjustment prescription
May 5th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
May 24th Appointment with Mr Lahoti Re infection
June 30th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Aug 16th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Sept 1st Attempted to remove fixator in office!
Sept 2nd Admission to Kings
Sept 3rd General Anaesthetic to remove frame but not united
Sept 16th Bone graft with morphogenic protein
Sept 22nd Check up
Sept 24th Infection
Nov 3rd Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Dec 1st Infection again – augmentin prescribed by Mr Lahoti

2005
Jan 12th Admission to Kings
Jan 13th Removal of Taylor Spatial (fixator No.2)
Jan 19th Said I thought leg looked bent!!!
Feb 9th Admission to Kings
Feb 10th Manipulation of leg, plaster cast!
Mar 2nd Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Apr 20th X-rays of leg
June 17th Leg x-rays – waiting list for re-break
Sept 7th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Oct 14th Pre-assessment
Nov 9th Admission to kings for re-break– cancelled due to no beds!
Dec 8th Admission to kings for re-break – cancelled due to no beds, again!


2006 Taylor Spatial No.2 – Frame No.3

Jan 4th Admission to Kings
Jan 5th Re-break – Taylor Spatial fixator (frame No.3)
Jan 11th Physiotherapy at Conquest
Jan 16th Sutures out. Knee pain – antibiotics
Jan 30th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Feb 8th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Feb 20th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Mar 6th No Mr Lahoti – Mark Jackson prescribed antibiotics for infection
Mar 13th Appointment with Mr Lahoti (Strut change)
Mar 20th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Mar 27th No Mr Lahoti – saw Mark Jackson
April 5th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
May 8th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
May 24th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
June 5th Ultrasound scan with Mr Elias
June 19th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Aug 7th Lower ring removed
Sept 4th X-rays & attempted removal - top section not united.
Oct 13th X-rays & pre-assessment
Oct 25th Admission to Kings
Oct 26th Osigraft left tibia and bone graft
Nov 1st Check up
Nov 8th Physiotherapy at Conquest Hospital
Nov 20th Appointment with Mr Lahoti
Dec 15th Half pin broke off in knee at physiotherapy
Dec 18th X-ray Appointment with Mr Lahoti re broken half pin
Dec 20th Admission to Kings
Dec 21st Removal of half pin and insertion of 2 new wires

2007
Jan 22nd X-rays & discussed with Mr Lahoti & Mr Groome bent leg again.
Jan 25th Saw Mr Shepherd at Conquest for 2nd opinion.
Feb 12th Next appointment with Mr Lahoti for fixator removal.

March 25th X-rays. Leg out of alignment 4th fixator to come
June 23rd Mr Shepherd at Conquest re alternative surgeon
July 30th X-rays (long leg & tibia) appt with Mr Lahoti & Mr Groome